


Undeserving

by c_curculio



Series: Half life- Combine Gordon AU [3]
Category: Half-Life
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Angst, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, M/M, Past Brainwashing, References to Depression, Self-Hatred, freehoun - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:07:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25292125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/c_curculio/pseuds/c_curculio
Summary: Was the learning curve even worth it? It had been twenty years, Barney was growing old and he was a shell of the man everyone had known and loved. Barney deserved so much better than to open up his heart to someone who served as a living reminder of the hell he’d been through. How could this wonderful, beautiful, kind man stand to fall asleep in the arms of the man who had threatened the lives of not only him, but of everyone they cared about?
Relationships: Barney Calhoun/Gordon Freeman
Series: Half life- Combine Gordon AU [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1817959
Comments: 6
Kudos: 77





	Undeserving

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is for the AMAZING AU a friend of mine came up with where Gordon became a Combine elite soldier due to some bad timing and Breen's hubris. I HIGHLY recommend checking out the [other fics in the series!](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1817959)

All is quiet, save for the sound of Barney’s soft snores and the distant sound of the ocean filtering through the half-open window. If he closed his eyes, he could almost pretend that things were normal, that this was the happy ending they deserved to get after everything that had happened. After everything they’d been through to find freedom. 

After everything that he’d put Barney through. 

The mental image of Barney pinned to the wall flashed through his mind. The scream he’d let out when he’d slammed his crowbar into his side, blood running down his face mixed with water from the shower, and god, the look on his face- Gordon flinched involuntarily, the movement bringing him back to reality, and he glanced down to make sure that the Barney here and in the present was still fast asleep. 

How could he even do that? They’d almost killed each other, that day. How could this wonderful, beautiful, kind man stand to fall asleep in the arms of the man who had threatened the lives of not only him, but of everyone they cared about? Gordon could feel a familiar burning sensation gathering in the back of his mouth, and he tried his best to swallow it down, because if he started crying he would definitely wake up Barney. 

He forced himself to steady his breathing, brow furrowed as he thought back. The memories were all fuzzy- according to Kleiner, they might never fully come back. Gordon closed his eyes, and a faint image came to the surface- he and Barney, dancing around his dormitories in Black Mesa, but it was as if it were a dream he couldn’t fully remember. 

Maybe he never would remember. All he had to account for who he was were his memories of serving the Combine. Who were his parents? Where had he grown up? According to Kleiner, he was from Washington (he would never forget the pained look on Kleiner’s face when he’d asked). What about childhood pets? What was his favorite TV show? His favorite food? What had his room looked like growing up? What about the first time he met Barney, when he first fell in love, their first kiss? The Combine had ripped that all away from him, and he would never get it back no matter how hard he pretended he might. 

Gordon opened his eyes again, letting his gaze fall on Barney’s face. The emotions were still there, and he was still very much in love with Barney despite the guilt that was wrapped tight as a noose around his neck. Every time he smiled, it was as if nothing else mattered, and he’d often find himself lost in Barney’s beautiful eyes, drunk on the sound of his southern accent coming through more prominently on certain words (he’d never get tired of hearing Barney refer to antlions as critters). 

He didn’t remember their inside jokes, though, and he’d had to re-learn the teasing way he used to sign Barney’s name (gay barn), and he’d forgotten that Barney was allergic to bananas. He was still in love, maybe, but he barely even knew Barney. Living together, he’d started to learn again, but when he really thought about it, he was head-over-heels for a complete stranger, wasn’t he? 

Was the learning curve even worth it? It had been twenty years, Barney was growing old and he was a shell of the man everyone had known and loved, blindly stumbling through therapy session after therapy session as if he could even be fixed. The love of his life would have screaming nightmares and wake up attacking the air, after which he’d avoid Gordon for several hours if possible, and when he couldn’t hide he refused to look at him. 

Why would Barney put himself through that? Just because the Combine brainwashing had worn off, that didn’t change the fact that he was Gordon Freeman, former elite soldier for the Combine, and he had done horrible things and traumatized his boyfriend. Barney deserved so much better than to open up his heart to someone who served as a living reminder of the hell he’d been through.

Swallowing down the lump in his throat proved to be futile, so Gordon forced himself to keep his breaths as even as possible while he cried. Barney kept right on snoring, his head resting on his chest, an arm thrown over his waist lazily. His chest swelled rhythmically with each of his breaths against Gordon’s side. It was soothing, but he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve this comfort. 

The same thoughts raced in circles around the inside of Gordon’s skull, chasing maliciously after each other until the first hints of dawn appeared on the horizon. A dull ache had settled behind his eyes, but the light seemed to shake something in him. Closing his eyes, he wrenched his breathing under control for what felt like the hundredth time that night, matching his breathing with his lover’s. A slow, deep breath in. 

Even if he didn’t deserve it, Barney had fought so hard to make this happen. A slow breath out. A bed, a home they shared by the ocean, with a little vegetable garden to supplement the rations. A deep breath in. Eli’s dog had had puppies a few weeks ago, and he’d promised them one of the little furry forms to take home as soon as they were old enough. Alyx had cried when she saw them. A breath out. In the morning, he’d drag himself out of bed and find Barney in the kitchen making cornmeal pancakes and coffee and singing along to one of the old Dolly Parton CDs they had recovered. 

A breath in, and sleep finally claimed Gordon, relieving him of his thoughts until he awoke again.

**Author's Note:**

> BIG shoutout here to [Peachrot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peachrot/pseuds/Peachrot) and [citricaciid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/citricaciid/pseuds/citricaciid) for dealing with my rambling about this AU while on call y'all are rad <3


End file.
